User blog:Readwritelivenikki/to anyone walking in memory lane (or otherwise)
I had a lot of grandiose plans for how to write this and what to say, but moments ago i was forced to read the sentance that I, myself, wrote - "I've fallen in love with anime" with the prompt being "what has changed about me," and that experience was viscerally jarring. So I beg your pardon for any incoherence within this post. I've been meaning to do this for a while. In fact, I almost published a blog post preceding my high school graduation in May, and once before even then. However, at the precipice of my second semester of college, and having just had my 19th birthday, I've been reflecting on life and, invariably, I thought of this website. I look back at it often- not terribly long, because I generally come across statements I physically typed out, proof-read, and then published and have to stave off the incredibly powerful urge to just kill myself, however between the self-crticism and cringe, I have a deep sense of nostalgia. That word barely covers it, I think, because I remember being on this website during a time when I had few friends. This wikia got me through a move across the US, and as I lost my friends from my previous school, I knew I could count on my internet friends to spend time with me more consistently, even if some of them lived in different hemispheres. I am such a different person now than I was then, and I am so grateful for that. A lot has happened since then- a high school diploma, college acceptances, depression, anxiety, several jobs, new friends, a trip to Italy, more rule bending than I would have ever thought I would have done, and most recently, my first semester of university. I like to think ever year I improve inconsequentially, if imperceptibly. However, reflecting back on my words from so long ago, I'm floored by my complete change in mannerisms. I feel like I'm observing a sweet, naïve, stupid, annoying little alien. Every person who sees this who was on this wiki in it's prime (god, the glory day) likely feels the same. I've kept in touch with who you all know as Skye and Dannoh loosely, and although I haven't reached out as much as I would have liked, every time I see their lives on my dashboard I'm filled with warmth and memories, and I continually feel bad that I haven't made good on my promise to Skye to visit Australia. Oddly enough, my life veered in the opposite direction from the wiki. I'm studying engineering in uni, and honestly thriving. I had to take an english class this last semester, which ended up being one of my favorites, however, this is likely the last time I'll have an opportunity to truly write freely, and for that I'm sad. However, so many more opportunities than I would have imagined have opened up to me, and retrospectively I genuinely think I'm cooler than I assumed I would be at this point (though to be fair, the bar was low). The person I wanted to be when I was active here is nothing like who I am now, and I'm so glad. I never grew out of being a vaguely gross nerd, but I did figure out makeup, made a name for myself as an artist, got really good at math, started playing DnD, became a total coffee snob, figured out that some music is better than others, and still managed to net my first boyfriend at the tender age of 18. My best indication of who I used to aspire to be I can see from my writing, and the characters I wrote from. Callous, enviable women, whose vulnerabilities were an aside rather than a conflict- and I still see that seep into my daily façade sometimes. However, I've learned a lot about kindness, and emotional intimacy. It's helped that I've made some amazing friends who each take care of me in the way they know best. I'm rambling. Essentially, I write these updates to say, to anyone reading this, maybe even accidentally - it will get better. I spent so much of the past few years just wondering when I'd kill myself. Admittedly, I still struggle with those thoughts, and that nagging will probably accompany for the rest of myself. However, there are so many moments that I couldn't trade away for anything - nights of raucous laughter, coffee shop hopping in my hometown and abandoned building exploration by night. I once saw a 20 year old autistic navy veteran deepthroat a dildo in a dorm no later than 10 pm. I made one of my friends by pilfering half a dozen cans of whipped cream from a school function and then squirting half of a can down her throat. My boyfriend nearly gave me an anxiety attack when I first met him and within days we were staying up into the wee hours to watch movies and cuddle. I catfished men on tinder, using my own photos, but using variant personalities, and once ran a shared dating profile for three people. I've gotten pierced four times, had four teeth removed, stopped buying sweatshop produced clothing, and made the first art club at my school. And all of that was this year. I didn't know if i was going to get past 17, and i did, and it was the best year of my life. If you've stuck on this long, good on you. Why you have, I have no inkling, however, some closing sentiments. To anyone who interacted with me on this wikia - I'm so so sorry that I was just Like That, and I hope you can forgive me for anything I said back then, maybe ever. But thank you for being so supportive, and being exactly what I needed in that time of my life. Eden - you can still be my best friend if you're feeling up to the job. I miss your dumb face sometimes. Alex - Your girlfriend is cute, and I hope college is treating you well. Send me a message if you ever want to catch up. AK - Your loyalty to this website is admirable, and I still reckon that all the war stories were to cover the fact that you're a big softie and romantic at heart Jen - If you've ever visited, I hope you know that I thought you were sweet as sugar, and that I didn't get to know you nearly as well as I would have wished. Kez - Again, not sure if you've been on in a long while (or maybe you'll see this in years from now, who knows ?) but you were totally rad, and a great writer. I always thought of you as someone who i would want to hang out with in real life. My apologies if you are not personally mentioned- if anybody is interested in reconnecting, you're welcome to add me on Discord (cyanide#2680), and from there I would be happy to add everyone on other media. I genuinely appreciated everyone who contributed to this wikia, retrospectively, of course. I remember that some of y'all were real fucking annoying. Regardless, I value everything this website taught me, both socially, and as a permanent indicator of my own person progress, as horrifying as it is to see my past. I probably did a dozen dramatic goodbyes on this website, everytime i took a hiatus. And I suppose one day I'll have clicked off for the last time on this website. However, I felt it was necessary, for anyone reading this, to know how much this wiki means to me. While I realize that I could never go back to it - I'm no writer anymore, I'll be honest- I will never forget the experiences I had on here. Taking adminship way too seriously, wanting Skye's approval desperately, dealing with trolls, whipped cream, and having the dumbest conversations I may ever had. Anyway. Cheers. Nikki Category:Blog posts